I'm Still Standing.

It's hard to believe it has been two months since my nightmare of striving to breathe after having my right lung completely collapse with a hole. What I would encounter is a journey with God and a “type” of closeness to Him I had only talked about, and always yearned for at this stage of life.

I left off on day 7 of this blogging because the last two days, though, released with hopes that I would heal well, would send me onto another journey of trust with God as I would encounter the woes of being labeled “disabled”.

I was taken in by my cousin after I was released from the hospital. During that time, I would find myself in a solitude with God, hearing his voice and experiencing His presence of peace and love like non other moment in my life.

I am glad that I am writing from this point now, 8/16/11 instead of the daily blogging pace I was on. The reason being is this: I am able to look back and reflect on what went well, what went wrong, and how I'm not the same person—I have 3 wounds/scars that remind me of that everyday.

As soon as I discovered I had to find a new place to live, by mind began to leave the state of amazing peace I was in, transitioning back to the old brad cole which was, “I got to plan, I got to be strategical, and I got to be moving along at the same time. My eyes paced the ceiling every night thinking on all that I had NO control over, and HAD to just let go, but it wasn't easy. I needed a deep rest, not even so much just physically, but spiritually...

However, I would encounter much stress. One big reason, my body was not the same: I lost muscle mass/strength and my energy was down. Other reasons: my fiances froze and started depleting rapidly without work, my right side was sown up tighter than Raggedy Anne, pains where immense at times , I couldn't and still cant lift, fly anywhere, bend over much or sit for a very long time with pains or discomfort. On top of that I was isolated in a new area with none of my friends. I had to make new ones.

My whole life, and career had come to a stop, a disabling stop.

Through it all, I was wearing down trying to “figure” things out and just needed to REST in HIM and in general. After some more hardships, God sent me a “ram in the bush”, and I've been able to move to a new area and place with a blessing of a roommate until my new place opens up and I can move in on my own place.

Though, not able to do the things I love anymore for awhile, such as work out, hike, play...basketball (tough on me), and anything that will exert much out of me I had to let many jobs go. My size and strength was disabled...I have remained in Him and His Grace, and His PEACE that kept me focused off the pains and woes, but on the great things happening and to come,....but not by my own doing...by Him—He KEEPS me.

I desire to share this: Being Christian, or whomever you are now, or seeking to become with your identity, you are either doing it on your own, therefore reaping the fruit of your own hands, living in your own mind, or you are being helped by God to inhabit this land with a true joy and love that makes a difference in not only your life, but others you come in touch with.

I still  have had painful days and nights recently, that I held on to the point that I would murmur some and feel helpless. Nights where I had no idea what tomorrow was going to look like, other than THOUSANDS of dollars of medical debt and work that was limited because I was limited.

Again, in those times, He kept me one in Him. He kept me together.

He loved on me through His word, through others I never met before and their actions/words, and through the memories aka gifts of time in life where HE blessed me with more than I deserved.

I was a wounded warrior I thought, during all those years of traveling and battling through canyons of obstacles....

A man of God that was a servant to all, at any cost. Fearless.

A man with mistakes and circumstances solo and with others, that have define me nothing less than a conqueror …

..for 12 years after encountering a living, TRUE God...

I'm still standing.....

My God:

Always provides,
Always hears me.
Always speaks to me.
Always protects me.
Always provides for me.
Always near me when I’m alone.
Always with me when surrounded on all sides with issues or enemies.
Always pursuing me to become more than I am...
Always loving me.
Always changing me.

ALWAYS.

I'm not the same man I used to be.

He's the same God as day one.

I'm Still Standing.

Day 7: Life, It's MORE Than About “ME”

*Longer version, but please read.

The night before was a blur. I remember coming to, and remember seeing my aunts. Soon I would fall back to sleep and be awaken with immense pain. I looked down at my side, and there was a even bigger piece of tube rammed into my chest. I was confused. I thought I wouldn’t have a tube again, but there sticking out of flesh was what would look like the diameter of a garden hose.

Pains were throbbing all over my chest and lower back. I felt as if my kidney was about to burst. It was merely pain from the surgery, though. It was as if my nervous system was thawing out. The pains grew to an extent that I could not find the words to express, but merely groans took their place. I clicked the monitor for the nurse to come. I needed something to help this throbbing pain and sharp pains.

THIRTY MINUTES OR MORE pass, and no no one responds to me...the groans increase, my eyes glisten. I pray. I reminded God that I trust Him with this GRACE, and I needed it now. Soon, my best friend Mike walked in. I couldn’t tell it was him through my glazed eyes and anguish. I had hoped it was the nurse. I told him I needed her now. He darted away to retrieve her. She went and got me morphine.

I felt as if I was a druggie as she shot me up through my IV. My veins felt fire running through them, carrying a released soothing I would soon have, but not need. The doctor set me up with a Morphine system where I could just click a button and release it into my body.

I didn't want it. I didn't need all those pain killers in my body. After the first dose, I spent time with God about my circumstances. I prayed again, knowing his GRACE was enough for me. Sharing that all I needed was His peace, and I trusted his scripture that He would not put more on me than you one could bear. The pain that existed grew light, to the extent I could bear it. I knew it was Him and His GRACE.

The nurses would come in and complain that I was not using NOWHERE near enough of morphine for the type of intense surgery I had. I told her I would try to use more as fitting, but I could handle it.

And I could, and I did.

*Side Note

I'm not saying all meds and such are bad and don't take them. I'm saying there is times, when our bodies can heal BETTER, naturally, and in some instances, there is always another solution or mind over matter, or grace to be received to aid you in your time of need.

Some people will try to urge/push on you that which seems to make sense to them, that which is common and commonly received, but only you and God the creator of you, truly know...YOU and what you need.

I knew morphine caused the body to lock up in its digestion system. For those that don't know, I got diagnosed with a chronic digestion disorder that was first thought to be potentially cancerous, then thought to be crohns disease, to now merely a chronic digestive condition...

I knew my body, and what it needed, therefore, I rejected what they THOUGHT was best.

Continuing on...

My aunts and few friends would stop by for a quick visit to see how I was after surgery. Their love and comfort I greatly appreciate and love them even more now than ever. I am forever grateful for them taking their time to come and see me.

I had to keep my mother aware everyday, that I was okay, and in good hands. As you know, mothers have such a weird but beautiful sensitivity to us all. Her heart was shaken by my ordeal, as well as my family as a whole. But I tried my best to let them hear me strong, and that God was delivering.

My mother wanted to come and see me but tickets ran up to over $1000. My brother wanted to come with her as well and put forth great effort to come and be by me, but work situations and flights were also hindrances. My best friend was on a trip and put forth effort to come and be by me and was not able to conquer the flight situations.

I realized as I was spending time talking with God, that this story was a message of TRUST to my family and friends, and to you reading this as well. Trusting in God to handle what was not seen coming, and couldn’t be seen in such a sudden and crazy situation with my life. To go from these family and friends smiling and laughing, to a few days later, fighting for to breathe, and to live, was a shock to all. Yet, the overall ordeal, was not a shock to me. I told my one best friend before I left the east coast that I needed prayer, because I believed in my spirit while praying one day that I was about to go through some things when I returned to L.A. Some big things and changes. **Soon God would speak to me in GA before departure that He was “preparing me” for what was to come. I was up and ready.**

I didn't know it would be a collapse lung and stuck in hospital...but I had already begun to have faith and Trust in Him to protect and provide, TRUST and GRACE just SKYROCKETED and became so much more real than ever in my life.

It's easy to say great things about God and His grace and provision and etc, when you are on the mountain top. And some, don't believe in God and believe in what they hear of those on the mountain top...

But for those in the valley of trials and tribulation...see God in person, experience God's grace and character that we often speak of and hear. God is just as real to me today as before in my life, but the experiences I have had with him on this journey have be far more intimate and real than any other times in my life. Many want to be hero and the deliver, Most never want to be in a position to be delivered, BUT GOD personally delivers and therefore is in the delivery, and great is the moment to experience Him and His consistent love and FAITHFULNESS...

Does that make me super spiritual man now? No. I merely wish to share that God is who He says He is, and in the stories of the bible though words pushed and pulled through history, depict a consistent and forever true CHARACTER and NATURE of a Loving and True God that can be experienced, not just prayed up to with words and pew sitting.

He's an active in the life-type God, that desires to be closer to us, and active in our lives to reach and love others through such a trial-some world.

My life with God, has been far greater... than my life without him. Without him, sure great moments, but even then, and in my DARKEST hours, I was empty, spiritually alone, with a lost soul with no identity beyond what the human nature of man would try to stereotype me into—which was also, just a shell that would return to the earth.

I always knew life had to be more than what I could see. Many feel that way. Even scientist knew there had to be more than what met the eye, so they built means to look deeper into life as we know it.

And I believe as I have soul searched and passed through religions and spiritual systems that exist, there is a strand of DNA, a nature of God that exist in all of them, but in most, only a strand of the only ONE TRUE GOD, that once known, His Son and all that He is will forever change and empower your life beyond your thinking and dreams. He has mine. Start searching, and don't stop until you are truly spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally fulfilled. Some may think they already are fulfilled, but if looked at your life through an eternity lense, instead of just TODAY, would you feel the same? Does your life fulfill only you, and not truly anyone else? Are you just living life day by day, getting older and wondering what's left for me in life..If you desire to know more and my experiences, feel free to ask me via facebook or email:bradcole09@gmail.com

Our life was never created for just us to be pleased and enjoy, only, but to ehco into eternity with influence, impacting lives for God, for good, for ALL, permeating the world with love for another, no matter, the what.

Life, It's MORE Than About “ME”

Day 6: Seeing With Eyes Wide Shut

Day 6: Seeing With Eyes Wide Shut

The night was rough. They decided to bring me in a new patient to agitate me some while at my wonderful stay at the Hospital Inn. (Inserting Sarcasm) This one was perfect to have by my side. I would find out that he had pneumonia. I believe to have a surgery on my collapsed lung and then to possibly breathe in or contract pneumonia on top of that would not be pleasant.

A different nurse walked in this morning. I asked her if it were possible that I could have another x-ray taken. Within, I still wanted to see if anything, any miracle would have taken place over night. However, they said they found it doubtful the doctor would be reached and approve, yet another x-ray. So, I asked if I could have/see the copies or originals of the previous x-rays. I felt so blind going into this day. I wasn't able to see any facts, or anything but only having word of mouth from the doctors.

I knew that for sure there was no miracle and I was going to have to more deeply Tru....yes..TRUST God.

As I laid there, I began to grow warm, as I have before over the past few days. My bed was in the farthest corner of the room by the window. I hardly ever opened the blind. For one, I didn't want to be teased of viewing the outside, but more so because the sun and heat would ignite a wild fire type heat wave in the corner of the room. Often I was nauseous and this morning was no different. I felt like my struggling lung and the only strong one left, was being squeezed together like two balloons. I felt they there were about to pop. I was suffocating in the room. I had already told a nurse each day about the air flow and LACK of AC and they would always say “Oh, yeah, we are checking on that issue”.

Never got taken care of at all.

I had to push through and ask for 3 bags of ice paks to put under my arms and behind my neck. My temp often tripped over 100 and my BP was usually around 150'ish over around 100'ish.

The day went LONG. The assistant to the surgeon came in the room to inform me that the surgery would be pushed to around 3.

Some of my friends from my church community group came and visited me, as well as my awesome aunts that just happened to be vacationing in L.A. They would eventually surround my bed in a semi circular fashion, holding hands, each praying over me. I felt like a circle of angels were in the room.

The clock kept ticking. I was cool. I was anxious. I wanted to get it over with. I knew the process was going to be painful afterward, but was more concern about HOW MUCH pain would be awaiting me once I was out. The thoughts of them unnaturally doing something in my body made me nauseous again. The idea of them scraping the inside wall of my chest cavity to fuse my lung up against sounded like a crazy scientist experiment.

It would be around 6pm I believe, that this particular nurse would show up to take me away. She decided to take my whole bed to the operating room. She wheeled me through the door and into the hallway. It was like heaven, I think. The hallway was extremely bright, long, and wide. Orderlies would look down at me as I went by. Some would just look at me as if I was snoopy in the Macy's Parade.

We took an elevator down to the floor where it would all begin. My aunts saw me off as I entered the refrigerator room. Yeah, it was that cold. The one guy asked me if I wanted a blanky. First of all, dude asking me if I want a “blanky”, that's just...so anyways, I said, yes. Soon the surgeon walked in and said some things I don't remember, except, “Now, Mr. Cole it is the right lung right?”. I gave him a look that I can't type the word it would reflect, but He quickly darted, “I'm just kidding, I know which one!”

I just used some of my acting wit and smiled back. He took a pen of some sort out and wrote like and “R”, then something small in the middle, and another “R” I just figured it meant something with my right lung or I needed some R&R. Which would soon be true. I felt branded.

I had no idea when they were going to start. Some guy started talking to me about stuff I don't remember--just making conversation. They hooked up my IV while another person was doing something to my left arm. Under my breath I said, “God, I'm putting myself in your hands, and in these people you have allowed to work on me. Go before me Lord in this procedure. Make the way straight, make it safe, may your will be done and that I have favor, I trust you and your grace”. Yes, I do remember those exact words, for I often pray that prayer along those lines before a big situation.

I was seeing, this whole dilemma through via my faith. A faith that was grounded in years of not just His word, and church, and etc. But, a personally developed faith that God himself had developed by again and again proving himself as the God who hears, the God who provides, and the God that delivers.

In order for me to see the great thing He was doing and allowing with my life, and with this very situation that was a decree and showcase of TRUST in Him, FAITH in HIM, Obedience in HIM =An INTIMACY with HIM...

I had to see with Eyes Wide Shut...

Day 5: Let Go

The night was quiet, other than the sudden jump-ups of the patient next to me that had more gas than a brand new BP Station. It was horrible and would wake him up. His breathing was that of King Kong with a cold. It was horrible that I just had to be awaken by the nurse during this time, who was checking my vitals. I prayed for him though. Sounded rough. It was hard to fall back asleep, but eventually...

As I peeled my eyes open to “Mr. Cole?”, for I guess probably the fifth time she said it, I realized it was time for my vitals. The day was finally here that I would be able to be let go because of the miracle of my lung healing up smoothly.

After they left, I decided to spend some time in prayer and reading some of my devotion. I overheard one of the nurses mentioning something about the vacuum that was suctioning out...whatever it was in my chest and lung, providing it the ability to inflate and heal. The nurse she talked to said, yes, we shut it off last night.

That's right! I thought to myself. I felt confident everything would be okay. However, when I told my mom the news she sounded not as thrilled as I thought. She went on talking about making sure I stayed in as long as needed to make sure I was 100% okay. I was like, mom, it's okay. If they think I'm good, I'm good.

The day carried on smoothly until a nurse walked in, sharing a sentence I didn't expect. “Mr. Cole unfortunately we need to turn your suction back on. Your lung would not inflate by itself to 100% and stay stable at all. Actually, it got worst in the one area where it was collapsing.”

I was quiet for a moment, slightly confused. I asked how much longer than would I have to stay on the machine, and she said she was not sure, and that it could be several days until the lung fully inflated and began healing.

I laid there. Closed my eyes. And said, “I trust you...daddy, I need/appreciate your grace, hold me.”

I knew I was going to be okay. It's just a few more days. Sure, its day 5 and I have a leash one me (tube), that has had me stuck on my back, causing me to have to be wiped down to be considered bathed, unable to move at all without experiencing throbbing pain in my chest, in my side from the tube, and randomly in my lower back since I was, stuck in bed. But I focused, I felt His Peace, and confidence and joy re-lifted. It was that fast, yes. I had been in numerous painful and trying storms in my life and the confidence in Him and Him in me was there, just needed to process what she said, and shift my eyes back on His GRACE that I KNEW was there.

After awhile, I texted my best friend the news, and they responded with a call worrying that I would be on a machine much longernow, and maybe for the rest of my life. I IMMEDIATELY, asked him to hush, and chill. I told them all is okay, all is well, I am fine, I will be out SOON enough. They understood, and hung up.

--Side Note-- Sometimes when life events happen of nearly any kind, our friends and even loved ones can be the very fuel to a fire that burns our ship that was floating on hope, to soon sink into despair. How? Glad you asked. When most events happen and challenge our human nature we can become weak minded and even restless. The last thing we need is negative thoughts or ideas (ideals) to be INSERTED into our minds...thoughts provoking emotions, that then provoke—ACTIONS. Follow me? I didn't need to open my mind up to being on a machine for the rest of my life or at all. This MAY sound foolish and crazy to you but its a small example of how we fail to see our responsibility of what enters into our my mind to our soul and to our actions. I love my friend and family, but I have to turn a deaf ear when they speak of things that I KNOW could cause negative havoc in my mind and soul, especially when my mind goes IDLE.

Some people would be dang near fine in their situations if we supported with positive and God driven thoughts with our words instead of sitting there panic attacking with them or being the “worry wart” that puts a lot more pressure on them than they need. Just Be...careful.

Sorry, that was a long side note, but someone needs to hear it.

MOVING ALONG.

That night my best friend came back in. Surprising at the same time this strange doctor walked in confidently and slightly goofy. He began talking about my situation. I figured at this point that maybe since he knew so much he would know how long I would be in here.

Instead he said, “So, yeah the best option for you is surgery”

My heart began to sink. What? Wha...what? NO, this can't be. What type of surgery?

Oh, you want to put 3...check this, 3 more holes in my side? You want to cut on a piece of my lung and clip it off? You want to SCRAPE the inside of my chest cavity to create a rough surface so the lung can be ATTACHED to it and heal in about eh, 3 months?

WHO ARE YOU??

He was the the specialized surgeon that my doctor had contacted for me... that I wasn't aware of until then.

He spoke so confidently assuring me with his 98-99% success rate, that the surgery was the best route and tomorrow, would be a good time to fit me in.

TOMORROW?????

It was happening way too fast.

Friends, at this point, I began that process of weeping. I was weeping not because of the surgery, but because I was beside myself...I was like God, wait so no miracle? TRUST ME.....but they haven't shown me anything can I see the results myself...TRUST ME...

I wept for only a quick moment. I wept because I didn't want God to think that I didn't have faith in Him to do the miracle if I went on with the surgery. And, I just wanted to give Him that opportunity to work.

My friend left, and thankfully, another friend appeared and would be my source of bedside comfort and ear to hear my heart.

I pondered on the miracle He did for me when as a baby I nearly died several times, almost killed my mother at birth, diagnosed with a severe case of Jaundice, had Ricochets, lung complications, and liver was put on a list for need of a donor...and GOD miraculously took it ALL away...saving my life..

Surely this was another one of those times?

No. This time was about a deeper walk with God in experiential FAITH, TRUST, AND OBEDIENCE.

I was going to have my body not only in the hands of God, but in the hands of this man ( not just any man that God would bring my way, but an acclaimed, awarded, well known specialist in this field)...

With the thoughts and emotions that were trying to subdue me...I had no choice but to make the best choice I knew to trust in, and that was to...

Let Go.

---To Be Continued.

Day 3 & 4: From High to Low. From East To West

Day 3 & 4:  From High to Low. From East To West

I have combined days 3 and 4 for a few reasons. The MAIN reason is that well, I believe I was High on Day 3 and I don't remember a whole lot of it. What I do remember is that my phone began to buzz very often as many were beginning to find out about the sudden dilemma I was currently in. It became quite a shock to my family that I was laying up in the hospital with a tube in my chest, trying to breathe.

Thoughts did race my mind for a moment on how they were handling the situation. I knew my mother was probably about to start walking all near 3,000 miles to L.A.

But calls came as quickly I would learn that many in churches, and in towns and cities were praying for me back East. The word had spread much back home more quickly than I would have thought.

In my mind I wasn't seeing it as THAT big of deal to share to the world, but again, I was sippin' tea with Gabriel and St. Peter by the time that morphine filtered through my body.

--Side Note: I actually day dreamed about a new invention for forming bubbles for events and such...while under these high conditions--

--Doube Side Note: Notice I didn't go in great detail about the invention because I believe I will actually be considering getting it engineered and patented :-) --

But what God quickly spoke to me, “this isn't about you”. I went from a HIGH to Low in less than seconds. I realized that God was using me and this situation. I was apart of a plan. A plan I would need to pay attention each day as He revealed what this was all about.

Now, that's JACKED up for God to just make a illustration out of you isn't, Brad? No, it was a moment, a stepping stone, into an intimacy with a God I proclaimed to know, but would soon know more of His character of Grace.

Things in life happen. It seems to be unfair at times. But I've never seen God ONCE waste my time, my energy, my body, or anything in my life. God doesn't waste anything. EVERTHING is used in that we would know Him more, know ourselves more, and engage a lost world to open their lives to a INTIMACY with God that IS whom He said He was from the beginning, who DOES what He said he would do...THE I AM to whatever it may be that we are and need.

I had a few friends that would slide in and visit me with sadness in their eyes. I may have looked bad with all those wires an tubes and such, but I slid out a joke or two, smiled, and made them comfy. I was in GOOD hands and I wanted them to know that. I wanted them to know that I have a TRUST in the ONE that says He is close by and WILL deliver. I had NO fear. I had NO worries. I just needed to keep focused on Grace.

Day 4: From East to West

Some of my family came in extending the love of my mother. More prayers resounded by my bedside. I am FOREVER grateful for their prayers, their faith, and love. That's what the body is to do, is to be there for one another.
--If you are reading this and you have seen Christians that slam religion down on people and talk and act hastily with other people about faith, God and His love and such, I am truly sorry you met those people. BUT the true followers of Christ and servants of God understand HIS love and demonstrate it, quite well. A people I will forever trust, and know their prayers reach, and provide. Fact--

The doctor came in at some point and told me that they would turn off the suction on my tube in order to see how the lung would perform, believing it very well maybe stay stable and grow healthfully-- Id be free to go tomorrow. This news perked my ears up.

I guess it's MIRACLE Time, I thought, and I'd be able to share how amazing God fixed my situatio so swiftly...

But from the East to the West, I would soon be welcoming more prayers...

<Photo 1>

"Take My Hand Boss"

A Silent Collapse, A Loud Grace

Moving into-

Day 2. “Take My Hand Boss”

I had no choice to take the Hand of God, as it was being offered to me, such as in The Green Mile, by John Coffey ( like the drink), gave his hand out to Tom Hanks character, Paul Edgecomb.


As an actor and entrepreneur, I was the boss of my schedule. I was on top of things. I was well aware of what was going on most of the time, or at least able to quickly assess things.

When the doctor said, “ I am going to have to cut a hole in you and insert a tube in your side to get this pressure out and help your lung, okay?”, I immediately, responded “..is there not any other way??”.

I sent my sister, Kathy a text while not even sure what time it was or cared if she was in bed. She is basically my go to nurse (actually a Medical Asst. to a Surgeon in real life), that I have to check with her doctor colleagues for answers. She responded eventually with the answer I didn't want, which was Yes, this is the only best method..

I knew in that moment, I again, I had to trust God. Did I not already? I did, but I believe my actions were more of doubting this man...this well accomplished degree decorated professional doctor, that he just may have forgotten another strategy in his bag, is all.

To get to the bottom of it. I was going to be cut on. NOT the position where I thought God would be taking me. I figured, Hm, another MIRACLE happening and I'd be good to go in no time. The Doctors then throws out something like, “Oh, by the way, we are just going to numb you with 3 needles and then do this procedure.”

I had to slide my hand into God's in that moment. I looked forward in the cold ER room. And I said, “God, I put my body in your hands, and in these doctors hands as you wish. I TRUST YOU. I welcome your GRACE.

At the time, it was in my spirit, but not in FULLY in my mind that GRACE had to be present or this was not to be happening as was.
Each piece of metal pierced my skin, fluid gushes into my body. His peace fell on me. He began to cut the hole for the tube.
--side note, Dr. did not put his mask on while making the incision. For those of you who don't know, that is FULLY RETARDED to do. BUT, I trusted God that no bacteria, no germ, no hair follicle from his balding head would fall into my incision. (It didn’t, of course).

As he began to put the tube in, he noted, “Well unlike us other men in here, this gentleman has more muscle than I thought.” They chuckled, but he was having a hard time getting the tube in. Finally, GUSH! The tube jammed through as his pressure pushed forward into me. My leg went up instantly kicking a pan, scaring everyone. My focus on God shifted to the physical in that moment. I quickly put it back on Him, for the crap they injected me with was beginning to wear off some already by the time he go the tube in, and I could FEEL the tube inside of me as I tried to breathe.

They rushed to get me to a room and soon brought me some morphine I believe. The nurse said I would feel a warm feeling in my body. She asked me how I felt, I replied, “ I feel like I have a tube in my chest.” She smiled and I did as well. God's peace was surreal. I felt the pain, but for some reason...it was bearable. I know, it was because I LET GO and focused on His presence, His Nature.

My best friend and roommate, Mike came in, I knew he would find me eventually. I told him which hospital that I was at via txt before they jammed me with a tube. He was able to find it. I told him how crazy it was that I found the hospital across the street. He smiled through the pain of seeing me fighting for air, and replied, “Well, whats even crazier is that you found one of the only hospitals that specializes in chest pain”.

--Side note THERE WAS A BIG SIGN ON THE FRONT OF THE EMERGENCY WING THAT SAID CHEST PAIN/EMERGENCY..ha..random...--

I was not where I wanted to be, but where I needed to be. Mike soon had to leave, and I was all alone in a room full of hospital noises I wanted to forget when I was a child.

I prayed. I told Him that I was not afraid. He said He knew. I wondered what was next. How much longer will I have to be here. I asked, and there was no CLEAR answer, But I felt inwardly it was going to be a little longer than I already expected.

I told my mother, “..I am okay, mom. I am in good in hands...”. I spread that same word to my fam as well.

I knew that this was going to be a spiritual journey. My best friend, Randi, who I spiritually trust, even confirmed this development journey of intimacy with God, before I fully realized what was all ahead of me. I felt it burning inside of me, though. SOMETHING BIG WAS UP FOR ME in such a good way. Death never crossed my man. As I had just told my friends the day before, I am invincible. They wanted to argue that statement. I said no, “until God is done with me, no man may or thing will prevail over me, until, IT is finished”.

My pride was broken down the moment before entering the hospital, though, and would become more crushed as days would come. For yes, I am invincible, but invincible men are still prone to ease into a mindset that empowers them to believe they can tackle on anything that comes because of whom they belong, TRUE, BUT they are not exempt from trials in that they need to look into their spiritual and STRONG selves and say, something is wrong I need your help...Thank God for his Holy Spirit and presence..because...

It is then AS IF, He responded, “Take my hand my Boss”

----To be Continued.

I Got A Feeling

A Silent Collapse, A Loud Grace

As many of you know or may saw on the great social newspaper, Facebook, I was in the hospital. I decided that I wanted to share or rather highlight, some of the interesting moments from the whole ordeal. Initially, I wanted to document everything I could, day by day via video, to keep everyone in the loop. However, with much Morphine entering my body or the V drug, aka can't remember the name of the pain killer, I found it not to be a good idea to tape myself “high”.

Therefore, I have decided to just jot down some of those highlights for you since I am out of the hospital, and in stable condition. Brad, why do you care to share these highlights? Glad you asked, no one, because I believe they may shine a light on life in a way that just may help someone else out there who reads it.

I will start with day 1 and continue on. I'm not sure if can bring out every detail in one note, so I believe I will post more. Also, I wish to open it ALL up for questions because I want people to understand this level of intimacy with a TRUE GOD that grants a TRUE GRACE for ALL situations.

DAY 1. I Got A Feeling:

I definitely had a feeling on day one and it wasn't from the Black Eyed Peas bumpin hit song. I had only been back to L.A from a quick two week trip back home, to visit family and friends. I was JACKED and ready to get back to work. MY schedule seemed to be on point. But, on the night of Wednesday, June 15, I felt a familiar pain in my chest.

FLASHBACK:
I had experienced chest pains and shortness of breath after a workout about a month prior. The pains grew into the next day and I believed it to be indigestion because of some pizza. But the tightness was immense. My best friend said it was probably a chest cold because of the cold nights and that he had some complications as well, though, they were much not like mine. I took the word for it, and just went with it enduring, working onward as always on the grind.

WEDNESDAY, THE 15

This time, it was worst. There was some changes going on as soon as I got back to L.A. That added a little stress, and I was leaving to go stay with a friend, and then get back to work. However, the next morning after sleeping in my car, (explain that story later), I felt the pains worsen.

I eventually decided to go Glendale, a city I don't go to frequently at all. But, they had the only closest mall where I could check on getting new clothes from my store I like, and check up on getting my new phone.

I ended up going into this mall several times for different reasons. For some reason, I couldn’t get away from this place. Something either happened that I forgot I needed to do, or decided to just go back and get lunch, since I was there. This, ALL happening while these pains where in my chest and shortness of breath. I was assuming that this feeling was like a month ago and I just had to bear it. I'm a iron man COLE, sue me.

Oddly enough, I had to rush to the bathroom. Since I hadn’t made it anywhere else and was merely sitting in my car holding my chest, I went BACK into the mall.

This time, a man and a child was behind me going into the same restroom.

The father was having a conversation with the son while I was in the stall. Weird I know. It was a typical noisy bathroom, but I heard every word since they were directly in the next stall. He was telling his son about the time his uncle tried firing his gun. It didn’t go off, so he tried 5 more times, each time looking around the gun. On the last time, he looked down the barrel, turned it around and the gun went off. I was like...what a story to tell your child. But, it gets better. He tells his son the gun could have blown his head clear off. The kid responded in a deep awe, it was precious.

TO MYSELF, I'm thinking what a graphic detailed story this was to tell a kid. BUT, he concluded, “ Son see, this is an example of what I mean by Gods intervention in our lives. He prevents things that should have happened, from happening.”

The bathroom and its ambiance, as well as my stall grew into a quiet cave. I was astounded that THIS is where the story was headed, and such a timing that I would hear it.

I sat their, quiet, and immediately inwardly without thinking, I said Lord is there something I should know that's happening in me that you are preventing. There was no YES loud and clear, but I felt a presence in the timing of this mans delivery of story. And a moving in my spirit to MOVE.

I went back to my car and sat, holding my chest. I looked up a CVS on my phone sensing, I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS FEELING, SOMETHING IS'NT RIGHT.

I found one, and drove there. I went inside, talked to the pharmacist, and told her my symptoms while holding a bottle of Pep-to Bismuth. She said, “sweetheart, you need to just put that bottle back on the shelf because your symptoms are something more serious that indigestion it sounds. You need to go to an ER, immediately. “ Startled, I told her I didn't have much money, besides, where in the world is the closest one anyways. She looked at me like was crazy and replied, “Honey, it's right across the street”.

I went back to my car knowing that something was up. I called my best friend and chatted about the matter as we had before. His attempt to help was great but the information I had to disregard. I needed to make the decision that was best for me, in faith, in full trust that God would carry this uninsured man into the hospital and all would be well. As I prayed to him, I realized I had much to lose and much to gain and that there was no coincidence that I ended up in Glendale ALL day, that I overheard a random word that I needed to hear, and that I found a random CVS that was located right where I needed to stop next.

I went into the hospital, feeling a tad nervous, but trusting Him. When I finally got inside, the doc came in and said Mr. Cole, there is a reason indeed why you are in pain and short of breath. Your right lung has been collapsed, and if you hadn’t gotten here, you very well could have eventually suffocated to death.

“ that's an example son of God's intervention, preventing something that could have happened from happening”


I'm grateful I trusted God. The events that he laid before me and orchestrated, I am amazed by. Crazy thing is, THERE IS TO THIS DAY NO PIN POINT REASON WHAT CAUSED MY LUNG TO COLLASPE. It's called a Spastic Pneumathorax..

I'm glad, I had a feeling. A feeling, a presence, I could always trust.

---To Be continued


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