It's hard to believe it has been two months since my nightmare of striving to breathe after having my right lung completely collapse with a hole. What I would encounter is a journey with God and a “type” of closeness to Him I had only talked about, and always yearned for at this stage of life.
I left off on day 7 of this blogging because the last two days, though, released with hopes that I would heal well, would send me onto another journey of trust with God as I would encounter the woes of being labeled “disabled”.
I was taken in by my cousin after I was released from the hospital. During that time, I would find myself in a solitude with God, hearing his voice and experiencing His presence of peace and love like non other moment in my life.
I am glad that I am writing from this point now, 8/16/11 instead of the daily blogging pace I was on. The reason being is this: I am able to look back and reflect on what went well, what went wrong, and how I'm not the same person—I have 3 wounds/scars that remind me of that everyday.
As soon as I discovered I had to find a new place to live, by mind began to leave the state of amazing peace I was in, transitioning back to the old brad cole which was, “I got to plan, I got to be strategical, and I got to be moving along at the same time. My eyes paced the ceiling every night thinking on all that I had NO control over, and HAD to just let go, but it wasn't easy. I needed a deep rest, not even so much just physically, but spiritually...
However, I would encounter much stress. One big reason, my body was not the same: I lost muscle mass/strength and my energy was down. Other reasons: my fiances froze and started depleting rapidly without work, my right side was sown up tighter than Raggedy Anne, pains where immense at times , I couldn't and still cant lift, fly anywhere, bend over much or sit for a very long time with pains or discomfort. On top of that I was isolated in a new area with none of my friends. I had to make new ones.
My whole life, and career had come to a stop, a disabling stop.
Through it all, I was wearing down trying to “figure” things out and just needed to REST in HIM and in general. After some more hardships, God sent me a “ram in the bush”, and I've been able to move to a new area and place with a blessing of a roommate until my new place opens up and I can move in on my own place.
Though, not able to do the things I love anymore for awhile, such as work out, hike, play...basketball (tough on me), and anything that will exert much out of me I had to let many jobs go. My size and strength was disabled...I have remained in Him and His Grace, and His PEACE that kept me focused off the pains and woes, but on the great things happening and to come,....but not by my own doing...by Him—He KEEPS me.
I desire to share this: Being Christian, or whomever you are now, or seeking to become with your identity, you are either doing it on your own, therefore reaping the fruit of your own hands, living in your own mind, or you are being helped by God to inhabit this land with a true joy and love that makes a difference in not only your life, but others you come in touch with.
I still have had painful days and nights recently, that I held on to the point that I would murmur some and feel helpless. Nights where I had no idea what tomorrow was going to look like, other than THOUSANDS of dollars of medical debt and work that was limited because I was limited.
Again, in those times, He kept me one in Him. He kept me together.
He loved on me through His word, through others I never met before and their actions/words, and through the memories aka gifts of time in life where HE blessed me with more than I deserved.
I was a wounded warrior I thought, during all those years of traveling and battling through canyons of obstacles....
A man of God that was a servant to all, at any cost. Fearless.
A man with mistakes and circumstances solo and with others, that have define me nothing less than a conqueror …
..for 12 years after encountering a living, TRUE God...
I'm still standing.....
My God:
Always provides,
Always hears me.
Always speaks to me.
Always protects me.
Always provides for me.
Always near me when I’m alone.
Always with me when surrounded on all sides with issues or enemies.
Always pursuing me to become more than I am...
Always loving me.
Always changing me.
ALWAYS.
I'm not the same man I used to be.
He's the same God as day one.
I'm Still Standing.
