Day 5: Let Go

The night was quiet, other than the sudden jump-ups of the patient next to me that had more gas than a brand new BP Station. It was horrible and would wake him up. His breathing was that of King Kong with a cold. It was horrible that I just had to be awaken by the nurse during this time, who was checking my vitals. I prayed for him though. Sounded rough. It was hard to fall back asleep, but eventually...

As I peeled my eyes open to “Mr. Cole?”, for I guess probably the fifth time she said it, I realized it was time for my vitals. The day was finally here that I would be able to be let go because of the miracle of my lung healing up smoothly.

After they left, I decided to spend some time in prayer and reading some of my devotion. I overheard one of the nurses mentioning something about the vacuum that was suctioning out...whatever it was in my chest and lung, providing it the ability to inflate and heal. The nurse she talked to said, yes, we shut it off last night.

That's right! I thought to myself. I felt confident everything would be okay. However, when I told my mom the news she sounded not as thrilled as I thought. She went on talking about making sure I stayed in as long as needed to make sure I was 100% okay. I was like, mom, it's okay. If they think I'm good, I'm good.

The day carried on smoothly until a nurse walked in, sharing a sentence I didn't expect. “Mr. Cole unfortunately we need to turn your suction back on. Your lung would not inflate by itself to 100% and stay stable at all. Actually, it got worst in the one area where it was collapsing.”

I was quiet for a moment, slightly confused. I asked how much longer than would I have to stay on the machine, and she said she was not sure, and that it could be several days until the lung fully inflated and began healing.

I laid there. Closed my eyes. And said, “I trust you...daddy, I need/appreciate your grace, hold me.”

I knew I was going to be okay. It's just a few more days. Sure, its day 5 and I have a leash one me (tube), that has had me stuck on my back, causing me to have to be wiped down to be considered bathed, unable to move at all without experiencing throbbing pain in my chest, in my side from the tube, and randomly in my lower back since I was, stuck in bed. But I focused, I felt His Peace, and confidence and joy re-lifted. It was that fast, yes. I had been in numerous painful and trying storms in my life and the confidence in Him and Him in me was there, just needed to process what she said, and shift my eyes back on His GRACE that I KNEW was there.

After awhile, I texted my best friend the news, and they responded with a call worrying that I would be on a machine much longernow, and maybe for the rest of my life. I IMMEDIATELY, asked him to hush, and chill. I told them all is okay, all is well, I am fine, I will be out SOON enough. They understood, and hung up.

--Side Note-- Sometimes when life events happen of nearly any kind, our friends and even loved ones can be the very fuel to a fire that burns our ship that was floating on hope, to soon sink into despair. How? Glad you asked. When most events happen and challenge our human nature we can become weak minded and even restless. The last thing we need is negative thoughts or ideas (ideals) to be INSERTED into our minds...thoughts provoking emotions, that then provoke—ACTIONS. Follow me? I didn't need to open my mind up to being on a machine for the rest of my life or at all. This MAY sound foolish and crazy to you but its a small example of how we fail to see our responsibility of what enters into our my mind to our soul and to our actions. I love my friend and family, but I have to turn a deaf ear when they speak of things that I KNOW could cause negative havoc in my mind and soul, especially when my mind goes IDLE.

Some people would be dang near fine in their situations if we supported with positive and God driven thoughts with our words instead of sitting there panic attacking with them or being the “worry wart” that puts a lot more pressure on them than they need. Just Be...careful.

Sorry, that was a long side note, but someone needs to hear it.

MOVING ALONG.

That night my best friend came back in. Surprising at the same time this strange doctor walked in confidently and slightly goofy. He began talking about my situation. I figured at this point that maybe since he knew so much he would know how long I would be in here.

Instead he said, “So, yeah the best option for you is surgery”

My heart began to sink. What? Wha...what? NO, this can't be. What type of surgery?

Oh, you want to put 3...check this, 3 more holes in my side? You want to cut on a piece of my lung and clip it off? You want to SCRAPE the inside of my chest cavity to create a rough surface so the lung can be ATTACHED to it and heal in about eh, 3 months?

WHO ARE YOU??

He was the the specialized surgeon that my doctor had contacted for me... that I wasn't aware of until then.

He spoke so confidently assuring me with his 98-99% success rate, that the surgery was the best route and tomorrow, would be a good time to fit me in.

TOMORROW?????

It was happening way too fast.

Friends, at this point, I began that process of weeping. I was weeping not because of the surgery, but because I was beside myself...I was like God, wait so no miracle? TRUST ME.....but they haven't shown me anything can I see the results myself...TRUST ME...

I wept for only a quick moment. I wept because I didn't want God to think that I didn't have faith in Him to do the miracle if I went on with the surgery. And, I just wanted to give Him that opportunity to work.

My friend left, and thankfully, another friend appeared and would be my source of bedside comfort and ear to hear my heart.

I pondered on the miracle He did for me when as a baby I nearly died several times, almost killed my mother at birth, diagnosed with a severe case of Jaundice, had Ricochets, lung complications, and liver was put on a list for need of a donor...and GOD miraculously took it ALL away...saving my life..

Surely this was another one of those times?

No. This time was about a deeper walk with God in experiential FAITH, TRUST, AND OBEDIENCE.

I was going to have my body not only in the hands of God, but in the hands of this man ( not just any man that God would bring my way, but an acclaimed, awarded, well known specialist in this field)...

With the thoughts and emotions that were trying to subdue me...I had no choice but to make the best choice I knew to trust in, and that was to...

Let Go.

---To Be Continued.

Day 3 & 4: From High to Low. From East To West

Day 3 & 4:  From High to Low. From East To West

I have combined days 3 and 4 for a few reasons. The MAIN reason is that well, I believe I was High on Day 3 and I don't remember a whole lot of it. What I do remember is that my phone began to buzz very often as many were beginning to find out about the sudden dilemma I was currently in. It became quite a shock to my family that I was laying up in the hospital with a tube in my chest, trying to breathe.

Thoughts did race my mind for a moment on how they were handling the situation. I knew my mother was probably about to start walking all near 3,000 miles to L.A.

But calls came as quickly I would learn that many in churches, and in towns and cities were praying for me back East. The word had spread much back home more quickly than I would have thought.

In my mind I wasn't seeing it as THAT big of deal to share to the world, but again, I was sippin' tea with Gabriel and St. Peter by the time that morphine filtered through my body.

--Side Note: I actually day dreamed about a new invention for forming bubbles for events and such...while under these high conditions--

--Doube Side Note: Notice I didn't go in great detail about the invention because I believe I will actually be considering getting it engineered and patented :-) --

But what God quickly spoke to me, “this isn't about you”. I went from a HIGH to Low in less than seconds. I realized that God was using me and this situation. I was apart of a plan. A plan I would need to pay attention each day as He revealed what this was all about.

Now, that's JACKED up for God to just make a illustration out of you isn't, Brad? No, it was a moment, a stepping stone, into an intimacy with a God I proclaimed to know, but would soon know more of His character of Grace.

Things in life happen. It seems to be unfair at times. But I've never seen God ONCE waste my time, my energy, my body, or anything in my life. God doesn't waste anything. EVERTHING is used in that we would know Him more, know ourselves more, and engage a lost world to open their lives to a INTIMACY with God that IS whom He said He was from the beginning, who DOES what He said he would do...THE I AM to whatever it may be that we are and need.

I had a few friends that would slide in and visit me with sadness in their eyes. I may have looked bad with all those wires an tubes and such, but I slid out a joke or two, smiled, and made them comfy. I was in GOOD hands and I wanted them to know that. I wanted them to know that I have a TRUST in the ONE that says He is close by and WILL deliver. I had NO fear. I had NO worries. I just needed to keep focused on Grace.

Day 4: From East to West

Some of my family came in extending the love of my mother. More prayers resounded by my bedside. I am FOREVER grateful for their prayers, their faith, and love. That's what the body is to do, is to be there for one another.
--If you are reading this and you have seen Christians that slam religion down on people and talk and act hastily with other people about faith, God and His love and such, I am truly sorry you met those people. BUT the true followers of Christ and servants of God understand HIS love and demonstrate it, quite well. A people I will forever trust, and know their prayers reach, and provide. Fact--

The doctor came in at some point and told me that they would turn off the suction on my tube in order to see how the lung would perform, believing it very well maybe stay stable and grow healthfully-- Id be free to go tomorrow. This news perked my ears up.

I guess it's MIRACLE Time, I thought, and I'd be able to share how amazing God fixed my situatio so swiftly...

But from the East to the West, I would soon be welcoming more prayers...

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"Take My Hand Boss"

A Silent Collapse, A Loud Grace

Moving into-

Day 2. “Take My Hand Boss”

I had no choice to take the Hand of God, as it was being offered to me, such as in The Green Mile, by John Coffey ( like the drink), gave his hand out to Tom Hanks character, Paul Edgecomb.


As an actor and entrepreneur, I was the boss of my schedule. I was on top of things. I was well aware of what was going on most of the time, or at least able to quickly assess things.

When the doctor said, “ I am going to have to cut a hole in you and insert a tube in your side to get this pressure out and help your lung, okay?”, I immediately, responded “..is there not any other way??”.

I sent my sister, Kathy a text while not even sure what time it was or cared if she was in bed. She is basically my go to nurse (actually a Medical Asst. to a Surgeon in real life), that I have to check with her doctor colleagues for answers. She responded eventually with the answer I didn't want, which was Yes, this is the only best method..

I knew in that moment, I again, I had to trust God. Did I not already? I did, but I believe my actions were more of doubting this man...this well accomplished degree decorated professional doctor, that he just may have forgotten another strategy in his bag, is all.

To get to the bottom of it. I was going to be cut on. NOT the position where I thought God would be taking me. I figured, Hm, another MIRACLE happening and I'd be good to go in no time. The Doctors then throws out something like, “Oh, by the way, we are just going to numb you with 3 needles and then do this procedure.”

I had to slide my hand into God's in that moment. I looked forward in the cold ER room. And I said, “God, I put my body in your hands, and in these doctors hands as you wish. I TRUST YOU. I welcome your GRACE.

At the time, it was in my spirit, but not in FULLY in my mind that GRACE had to be present or this was not to be happening as was.
Each piece of metal pierced my skin, fluid gushes into my body. His peace fell on me. He began to cut the hole for the tube.
--side note, Dr. did not put his mask on while making the incision. For those of you who don't know, that is FULLY RETARDED to do. BUT, I trusted God that no bacteria, no germ, no hair follicle from his balding head would fall into my incision. (It didn’t, of course).

As he began to put the tube in, he noted, “Well unlike us other men in here, this gentleman has more muscle than I thought.” They chuckled, but he was having a hard time getting the tube in. Finally, GUSH! The tube jammed through as his pressure pushed forward into me. My leg went up instantly kicking a pan, scaring everyone. My focus on God shifted to the physical in that moment. I quickly put it back on Him, for the crap they injected me with was beginning to wear off some already by the time he go the tube in, and I could FEEL the tube inside of me as I tried to breathe.

They rushed to get me to a room and soon brought me some morphine I believe. The nurse said I would feel a warm feeling in my body. She asked me how I felt, I replied, “ I feel like I have a tube in my chest.” She smiled and I did as well. God's peace was surreal. I felt the pain, but for some reason...it was bearable. I know, it was because I LET GO and focused on His presence, His Nature.

My best friend and roommate, Mike came in, I knew he would find me eventually. I told him which hospital that I was at via txt before they jammed me with a tube. He was able to find it. I told him how crazy it was that I found the hospital across the street. He smiled through the pain of seeing me fighting for air, and replied, “Well, whats even crazier is that you found one of the only hospitals that specializes in chest pain”.

--Side note THERE WAS A BIG SIGN ON THE FRONT OF THE EMERGENCY WING THAT SAID CHEST PAIN/EMERGENCY..ha..random...--

I was not where I wanted to be, but where I needed to be. Mike soon had to leave, and I was all alone in a room full of hospital noises I wanted to forget when I was a child.

I prayed. I told Him that I was not afraid. He said He knew. I wondered what was next. How much longer will I have to be here. I asked, and there was no CLEAR answer, But I felt inwardly it was going to be a little longer than I already expected.

I told my mother, “..I am okay, mom. I am in good in hands...”. I spread that same word to my fam as well.

I knew that this was going to be a spiritual journey. My best friend, Randi, who I spiritually trust, even confirmed this development journey of intimacy with God, before I fully realized what was all ahead of me. I felt it burning inside of me, though. SOMETHING BIG WAS UP FOR ME in such a good way. Death never crossed my man. As I had just told my friends the day before, I am invincible. They wanted to argue that statement. I said no, “until God is done with me, no man may or thing will prevail over me, until, IT is finished”.

My pride was broken down the moment before entering the hospital, though, and would become more crushed as days would come. For yes, I am invincible, but invincible men are still prone to ease into a mindset that empowers them to believe they can tackle on anything that comes because of whom they belong, TRUE, BUT they are not exempt from trials in that they need to look into their spiritual and STRONG selves and say, something is wrong I need your help...Thank God for his Holy Spirit and presence..because...

It is then AS IF, He responded, “Take my hand my Boss”

----To be Continued.

I Got A Feeling

A Silent Collapse, A Loud Grace

As many of you know or may saw on the great social newspaper, Facebook, I was in the hospital. I decided that I wanted to share or rather highlight, some of the interesting moments from the whole ordeal. Initially, I wanted to document everything I could, day by day via video, to keep everyone in the loop. However, with much Morphine entering my body or the V drug, aka can't remember the name of the pain killer, I found it not to be a good idea to tape myself “high”.

Therefore, I have decided to just jot down some of those highlights for you since I am out of the hospital, and in stable condition. Brad, why do you care to share these highlights? Glad you asked, no one, because I believe they may shine a light on life in a way that just may help someone else out there who reads it.

I will start with day 1 and continue on. I'm not sure if can bring out every detail in one note, so I believe I will post more. Also, I wish to open it ALL up for questions because I want people to understand this level of intimacy with a TRUE GOD that grants a TRUE GRACE for ALL situations.

DAY 1. I Got A Feeling:

I definitely had a feeling on day one and it wasn't from the Black Eyed Peas bumpin hit song. I had only been back to L.A from a quick two week trip back home, to visit family and friends. I was JACKED and ready to get back to work. MY schedule seemed to be on point. But, on the night of Wednesday, June 15, I felt a familiar pain in my chest.

FLASHBACK:
I had experienced chest pains and shortness of breath after a workout about a month prior. The pains grew into the next day and I believed it to be indigestion because of some pizza. But the tightness was immense. My best friend said it was probably a chest cold because of the cold nights and that he had some complications as well, though, they were much not like mine. I took the word for it, and just went with it enduring, working onward as always on the grind.

WEDNESDAY, THE 15

This time, it was worst. There was some changes going on as soon as I got back to L.A. That added a little stress, and I was leaving to go stay with a friend, and then get back to work. However, the next morning after sleeping in my car, (explain that story later), I felt the pains worsen.

I eventually decided to go Glendale, a city I don't go to frequently at all. But, they had the only closest mall where I could check on getting new clothes from my store I like, and check up on getting my new phone.

I ended up going into this mall several times for different reasons. For some reason, I couldn’t get away from this place. Something either happened that I forgot I needed to do, or decided to just go back and get lunch, since I was there. This, ALL happening while these pains where in my chest and shortness of breath. I was assuming that this feeling was like a month ago and I just had to bear it. I'm a iron man COLE, sue me.

Oddly enough, I had to rush to the bathroom. Since I hadn’t made it anywhere else and was merely sitting in my car holding my chest, I went BACK into the mall.

This time, a man and a child was behind me going into the same restroom.

The father was having a conversation with the son while I was in the stall. Weird I know. It was a typical noisy bathroom, but I heard every word since they were directly in the next stall. He was telling his son about the time his uncle tried firing his gun. It didn’t go off, so he tried 5 more times, each time looking around the gun. On the last time, he looked down the barrel, turned it around and the gun went off. I was like...what a story to tell your child. But, it gets better. He tells his son the gun could have blown his head clear off. The kid responded in a deep awe, it was precious.

TO MYSELF, I'm thinking what a graphic detailed story this was to tell a kid. BUT, he concluded, “ Son see, this is an example of what I mean by Gods intervention in our lives. He prevents things that should have happened, from happening.”

The bathroom and its ambiance, as well as my stall grew into a quiet cave. I was astounded that THIS is where the story was headed, and such a timing that I would hear it.

I sat their, quiet, and immediately inwardly without thinking, I said Lord is there something I should know that's happening in me that you are preventing. There was no YES loud and clear, but I felt a presence in the timing of this mans delivery of story. And a moving in my spirit to MOVE.

I went back to my car and sat, holding my chest. I looked up a CVS on my phone sensing, I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS FEELING, SOMETHING IS'NT RIGHT.

I found one, and drove there. I went inside, talked to the pharmacist, and told her my symptoms while holding a bottle of Pep-to Bismuth. She said, “sweetheart, you need to just put that bottle back on the shelf because your symptoms are something more serious that indigestion it sounds. You need to go to an ER, immediately. “ Startled, I told her I didn't have much money, besides, where in the world is the closest one anyways. She looked at me like was crazy and replied, “Honey, it's right across the street”.

I went back to my car knowing that something was up. I called my best friend and chatted about the matter as we had before. His attempt to help was great but the information I had to disregard. I needed to make the decision that was best for me, in faith, in full trust that God would carry this uninsured man into the hospital and all would be well. As I prayed to him, I realized I had much to lose and much to gain and that there was no coincidence that I ended up in Glendale ALL day, that I overheard a random word that I needed to hear, and that I found a random CVS that was located right where I needed to stop next.

I went into the hospital, feeling a tad nervous, but trusting Him. When I finally got inside, the doc came in and said Mr. Cole, there is a reason indeed why you are in pain and short of breath. Your right lung has been collapsed, and if you hadn’t gotten here, you very well could have eventually suffocated to death.

“ that's an example son of God's intervention, preventing something that could have happened from happening”


I'm grateful I trusted God. The events that he laid before me and orchestrated, I am amazed by. Crazy thing is, THERE IS TO THIS DAY NO PIN POINT REASON WHAT CAUSED MY LUNG TO COLLASPE. It's called a Spastic Pneumathorax..

I'm glad, I had a feeling. A feeling, a presence, I could always trust.

---To Be continued


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